Three Month Solitary, Silent Retreat – Part 2: The Process - In which Ian attempts to explain what actually happened…

Every moment is new. It may seem the same as one gone by, but in truth, it is completely new. So on retreat, every moment is new – and that becomes more obvious. Therefore, writing about what happened on retreat is somewhat fraught as there were so many moments, so many new moments.

Not to be put off, what follows is a precis of the activities focused upon in this recent 3 month retreat; offered in the spirit it may be of interest; may be of use for someone else, but first

     Thought for the day – a long one as befits the retreat :)

Every single negative thing we have ever thought or done has ultimately arisen from our grasping at a false self, and our cherishing of that false self, making it the dearest and most important element in our lives. 

All those negative thoughts, emotions, desires, and actions that are the cause of our negative karma are engendered by self-grasping and self-cherishing. 

They are the dark, powerful magnet that attracts to us, life after life, every obstacle, every misfortune, every anguish, every disaster, and so they are the root cause of all the sufferings of samsara.

                           Sogyal Rinpoche

Having completed the Preparations – as described in the previous post – I embarked on the first day of a proposed solitary, silent retreat during the afternoon of Sunday the 7th July, 2025. Ruth and I embraced for quite some time, said no more, parted quietly and she drove away, leaving me to face my self.

A single room. 

A desk with a chair. 

A bed. 

A heater, food, books and a makeshift kitchen on the external verandah. 

Plus a small shrine and a meditation cushion. 

Silence. 

Where to start? 

The cushion, empty and looking somewhat forlorn, demanded priority. What else to do??? Three o’clock in the afternoon is a time where meditation usually only happens on retreat. So being on retreat, starting a retreat, it seemed logical enough to sit, fold my leg, straighten the back, and relax into the moment. This new moment…

The next few days had pretty much the same theme. Mostly sitting without expectation or ambition. Just sitting. Relaxing into the posture, letting go, and just sitting. Being aware of this present moment.

It felt appropriate to take a week or so to simply settle into the routine of being on retreat. I established a schedule for each day where the emphasis was on some reading, some walking, and around 4 hours meditation. Settling in gently.

Now some would say a good meditator has no hope or fear, and the implication is no goals. As I entered this retreat, as explained in the last post, my health remained quite fragile with the distinct possibility ever present I might end up back in an Intensive Care Ward with another acute abdominal episode. Good material for hope and fear… 

There was certainly a part of me that suspected if my condition did recur, I may not survive it next time. 

So I accepted this, took care with what I ate – as usual – and did several healing practices on top of the baseline meditation. 

Actually, no hope and fear does come easily enough for me generally, and it did so at this time as well.

But then goals. 

The issue is not the goal, but the attachment to them. 

Any attachment leads to hope and fear, and therein lies the rub, as the Bard once said. 

So I had a list of specific goals for the retreat and once settled, the first was to address the amazing loss of concentration that had lingered on after the recent stint in hospital. My mind was all over the place; so I determined to take it to “the gym”, the mind gym. 

Entering into one of the strictest phases of the retreat, I followed the style of a Zen sesshin; the 7 day intensive meditation practice that is a bit like the Vipassana retreats. Nine to ten hours of meditation a day. Forty minutes of sitting meditation, ten minutes slow walking meditation, forty minutes of sitting. A short break – cup of tea or a meal – and repeat. All the while the sole focus is on counting the breath in cycles of ten. 

If your mind goes to anything else, come back to one and start again. Counting the breath in cycles of ten. Lost count? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten. Thinking of something else? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten. Spaced out? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten. Blissed out? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten. Grumpy or fearful? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten. Wondering how long before the session ends? Off track. Come back to counting the breath in cycles of ten.

You get the idea… This is a practice that fosters concentration, and with the counting, provides an easy way to assess whether you are doing so or not.

Now keeping to this schedule while self-catering proved quite intense. 

And the fact this practice coincided with the coldest week of the year, and included a stormy night with a blackout and no heating, meant that by its conclusion; yes, my concentration had received a boost, yet physically I was a bit more debilitated.

So the next few days were spent in a fairly conscious rehab phase. 

Resting as well as meditation, reading and walking.

Then once the energy was back up a little, the next phase was on what is called Guru Yoga. This practice will be familiar to many in its more secular form – the White Light Imagery Exercise, where we start by invoking the highest source of goodness, wisdom, vitality and power we know, and then draw energy from that infinite source, and share it with others. 

In the more traditional version of this practice, the guru represents and embodies all those positive, life affirming qualities and being familiar, serves as the object of the practice extremely well.

In the event, what happened for me was this practice morphed into a very powerful healing practice. In a way similar to the White Light Imagery practice, I directed healing energy to my troublesome tummy, and remarkably, within two days it completely transformed. 

So while not quite back to 100%, the improvement was truly remarkable and it has persisted. My tummy has been very good since.

That practice continued on for some while.

During this period, I re-read Sogyal Rinpoche’s books The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (I do re-read this each year and continue to find more detail and insight each time), and his not so readily available earlier work, Dzogchen and Padmasambhava (which you may find second hand – another great read).


Then I moved on to Andy Karr’s book Contemplating Reality (Andy is coming to Australia to give a retreat on this theme next Easter – details available soon) and combined that with going over notes from a wonderful 2015 retreat. 

The latter was in France with Sogyal Rinpoche and traversed all the main teachings of Dzogchen. 

A key section was devoted to contemplating reality, this attachment we have to self, what impact that has on our lives, and what we can do about it.

In the morning of the 21st August, while in the midst of this, while actually contemplating impermanence, there was a knock at my door. I knew immediately something major must have happened for my very supportive hosts to be contacting me directly. 

It was Ruth on the phone. Son David had taken his own life! 

Now just to say once again, a truly heartfelt thank you to all those kind people who supported Ruth and myself, David and our family through this tragic time.

I left retreat that day, travelled to the Gold Coat for the funeral and to be with the extended family, and 5 days later returned to the retreat.

Hard to put this time into words, so enough to say, the second half of the retreat was different, with time taken for silent grieving and completing the time set for the retreat.

In the next post, a little on outcomes – what benefits if any were, and are now noticeable from the retreat?

 

RELATED BLOGS

Three Month Solitary, Silent Retreat – Part 1- The Preparation

Meditation in a Time of Personal Crisis – What is Needed? What works?

 

COMING EVENTS

The residential programs Ruth and I will present in 2025 are now set. 

We are currently upgrading our website so we can share the relevant information more easily. Once this is completed early in January most likely, we will announce when bookings can commence, but for now, maybe make a note of the dates:

VENUE for all programs will be the Yarra Valley Living Centre, 55 Rayner Crt, Yarra Junction, Victoria, Australia

Meditation Teacher Training – MTT-1: Meditation   12 – 16 May 2025

The core training for those new to teaching meditation, or for those seeking to deepen their skills. Five days, fully residential with an extensive manual to guide delivery of an 8 week Mindfulness-based Stillness Meditation program, or adapt to your own needs

Meditation in the Forest   Seven day meditation retreat open to all   2 – 8 June 2025

This year the focus will be on meditation – for inner peace and clarity; along with contemplation – for clear thinking, problem solving, creativity, insight, intuition and exploring the big questions in life. A great retreat; one of my very favourites!

Meditation Teacher Training – MTT-3: Imagery   1 – 5 November 2025

Training in how to teach both meditation and imagery. This training explores in depth how the mind works and how we can use it more effectively. Fascinating, personally relevant and highly empowering for your communities. Also five days, fully residential with an extensive manual.

Deep Natural Peace     Long weekend mini retreat    14 – 16 November

Towards the end of the year, an ideal opportunity for some time out, some gentle introspection and reflection, letting go of the busyness and finishing the year on a meditative high.

Also to note: The wonderfully Sandy Clinton who has been our much-appreciated administrator is unable to continue into 2025. In her place, we now have the equally delightful Mel Crow, whom many might recall from her days working in programs for the Gawler Foundation. So a big thank you to Sandy, and a warm welcome to Mel; no doubt the changeover will be seamless.