Setting off on three months of silent, solitary retreat, it felt like it would be nice to have something to show for it all when I returned. So I decided from Day 1 not to shave. This may not sound like much to many, however, there was an element of courage involved. Being far from the hairiest person around, there was no guarantee there actually would be anything to show…
This was fun to parade around for a month or so, but then the higher powers requested it come off, so that outcome was short lived.
So what else is there to say in terms of outcomes from the retreat?
In this, the third post – after Preparation and Process – some details, but first
Thought for the day
The self is not a thing
The self is a process
Ian Gawler
Again the need to reiterate… many traditions and meditation teachers recommend against sharing our personal experiences during meditation, or their outcomes. This is on account of the risks involved. One might simply feed the ego, be distracted by talking about meditation rather than doing it, become consumed by jealousy of the experiences of others, come to feel something of a failure, or go on a high-flying ego trip. Many potential problems.
On the other hand, shared experiences can be both informative and inspiring. So for anyone considering sharing, there is a need to check the ego and the tendency to indulge in destructive emotions. This means sharing experiences has in itself the potential to be a step along the path, and another step towards breaking down the ego… or a step backwards, depending upon how one does it…
So… some outcomes:
1. The Study
I read several books and went over some important previous retreat notes.
In order of reading, Sogyal Rinpoche’s books The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (widely available) and Padmasambhava and Dzogchen (out of print but maybe on a 2nd hand site), provided a useful reminder of the “theory” that supports Dzogchen meditation practice.
Then Andy Karr’s Contemplating Reality provided a very useful sequence of contemplations in the latter half of the retreat when I did contemplate more directly on the true nature of self and things.
Having attended a powerful retreat in France back in 2015, I took this opportunity to go over the notes taken in detail; to really study them, to fill in the gaps and do what I could to embody them more.
2. The Meditation Practice
Sitting in formal meditation became steadily more enjoyable throughout the retreat. I welcomed the sessions more and more, and a natural ease did come into the practice.
Happily, my body responded surprisingly well to sitting a lot. In fact, the more I sat, the more solid the posture became, and the more ease there was with it all.
Also, as the days passed, the outer distractions steadily fell away, and the awareness became more heightened.
Colours did actually seem more vivid, the eyesight sharper, sounds clearer; sensations generally became more acute.
With less external distractions, and less internal distractions generally, those that were left became stronger.
So what one might label pleasant seemed very pleasant; anything that was troublesome tended to also become amplified.
Happily, with the heightened awareness, rather than becoming drawn into these extremes, there was a heightened capacity to simply notice they were extremes, to be aware, to allow them to come and go, and to remain relatively undistracted.
What was emerging was a stronger connection with the View.
Our view is how we interpret the world; what sense we make of it, what our philosophical understandings are, what meaning we give to self and life. This view can be informed by our Active Mind with all its myriad and diverse thoughts and emotions – as is commonly the case. Or it can be informed by our Still Mind, or the true nature of our mind with all its clarity and wisdom.
So as the meditation continued, supported by reading and contemplation, The View, with a capital V to signify being informed by the Still Mind, came more to the fore. And with this View, an ever-increasing surety thoughts and emotions are so often little more than mental gossip. They come and go, they are fleeting. With the View it is as if we can see through our thoughts and emotions; see their potential for good or harm, and not take them so seriously, not be disturbed or distracted by them.
Having said this, there were plenty of times where the awareness lapsed, and the mind wandered off into some story or another, some fantasy, or just dissolved into some relatively lifeless limbo for a while.
But then, more and more the awareness that each moment is different; unique, precious and fascinating. No possibility of ever becoming bored; not with this ever-changing present moment experience…
3. The Contemplation Practice
During the second half of the retreat, the focus shifted from meditation to contemplation. Still lots of straight sitting, but more active contemplation – on the attachment to self, and the nature of reality.
In an attempt to explain some of this, let us begin with attachment to self.
What is meant here is the way we identify so strongly with self – my body, my mind, my house, my family and so on…
With this strong sense of self, comes an equally strong sense of other – your body, your mind, your house, your family and so on…
With this duality – self and others – comes all the opposites – mine and yours, attachment (this is mine, I want to keep it) and aversion (I do not like this, I want to avoid it), pleasure (I want more of that) and pain (I want none of that), joy (I got what I wanted) and sorrow (I missed out on, or lost what I wanted) and so on.
The stronger the attachment to self, the more we over-identify with this sense of me and my ego.
The more the duality, the more the sense of isolation between me and others will be felt, and along with that, more anxiety, more fear, discomfort, distress, and real suffering.
And on a deeper level, simply contemplating “Who am I?” reveals that this self is a very slippery customer. We have such a strong sense of it, we feel we are definitely me, but if we turn within, and go looking for where is this thing called me located, or what is it made of; it is very hard to find.
So if we do go looking, what might we find?
Could spend a good deal of time on this, but to keep it simple… The dualistic mind sees the world through three mistaken lenses.
Firstly, it likes to think of things as permanent. I have a permanent job, a permanent home, a permanent relationship and so on. We know in our hearts all these things will change over time, however, instead of living informed by the truth of change, the ego, the attachment to self, clings onto the lie of permanence and does all it can to support this lie – and to defend it.
Secondly, the dualistic mind likes the lie we are independent.
This does seem to be so on face value.
I am in my body over here, you are in your body over there. True.
However, we are in reality completely inter-dependent – both upon each other, and upon everything around us.
We cannot possibly exist in a vacuum.
We are dependent upon each other for food, for work, for company, and so on.
Thirdly, the dualistic mind tends to think of things as singular – as in one thing rather than everything having multiple facets. So we talk of my body – one thing. However, it is many things – hands, feet, skin, intestines, muscle, nerves and so on. We know this of course, but we tend to characterise most things in this way. “She is a good person”. “He is a ratbag”. Maybe the generalisations have some element of truth to them, but if we do not go beyond them, we limit our appreciation of people and things.
So in the contemplation, the aim was to investigate the self’s claim to a true identity; and to make some sense of what it means to actually not have a self that is a finite thing – an enduring, long-lasting, permanent thing.
And the realisation? Like the quote above…
The self is not a thing
The self is a process.
4. The Hangover
Post retreat, I find myself pleasantly drawn to meditate first thing each morning – and actually doing it. This is a new development; along with a heightened joy in the actual practice. Clearly the two go together; more enjoyable, more enthusiasm to practice.
The consequences of the contemplations continue to mature… maybe more on that another time.
5. The Conclusion
A big thank you to all who made it possible for me to indulge in this retreat. Ruth in particular, was unequivocally supportive, and incidentally, as it happened, she reports having gained a good deal from those 3 months on her own.
To make the time, to clear the space to allow for a 3 month retreat, obviously involves some planning, determination and commitment. Worth it? Absolutely? Recommend it to others? Only if you have a strong motivation, and even stronger volition…
COMING EVENTS
The residential programs Ruth and I will present in 2025 are now set. We will be joined by the delightful - and highly accomplished - Melissa Borich for Meditation in the Forest and the two meditation teacher trainings...
Bookings will open early in January. We will advise when they commence, but for now, maybe make a note of the dates:
VENUE for all programs will be the Yarra Valley Living Centre, 55 Rayner Crt, Yarra Junction, Victoria, Australia
Meditation Teacher Training – MTT-1: Meditation 12 – 16 May 2025
The core training for those new to teaching meditation, or for those seeking to deepen their skills. Five days, fully residential with an extensive manual to guide delivery of an 8 week Mindfulness-based Stillness Meditation program, or adapt to your own needs
Meditation in the Forest Seven day meditation retreat open to all 2 – 8 June 2025
This year the focus will be on meditation – for inner peace and clarity; along with contemplation – for clear thinking, problem solving, creativity, insight, intuition and exploring the big questions in life. A great retreat; one of my very favourites!
Meditation Teacher Training – MTT-3: Imagery 1 – 5 November 2025
Training in how to teach both meditation and imagery. This training explores in depth how the mind works and how we can use it more effectively. Fascinating, personally relevant and highly empowering for your communities. Also five days, fully residential with an extensive manual.
Deep Natural Peace Long weekend mini retreat 14 – 16 November
Towards the end of the year, an ideal opportunity for some time out, some gentle introspection and reflection, letting go of the busyness and finishing the year on a meditative high.
LINKS
Three Month Solitary, Silent Retreat – Part 1: The Preparation
Three Month Solitary, Silent Retreat – Part 2: The Process
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