Whether to write this post or not; that is the first question. Having been through an intense medical crisis, is it useful to share something of the experience?
Many meditation teachers, particularly traditional ones, rarely divulge their personal experiences. They tend to teach as if their audiences are “well”, and in a good state to practice. Yet many come to meditation exactly because of a personal crisis.
Certainly in years gone by, my own work centred around helping people who often came to meditation in response to a major health crisis such as cancer or MS; or other major life-changing events.
So why the reserve in sharing personal meditation experiences?
All teachers – of meditation or anything else – teach in one of two ways.
The first is driven by ego – look at me, how wonderful I know all this stuff I can teach, how good am I, etc, etc.
\The second is where the teacher aspires to teach in a largely ego-less way.
Few teachers are at either extreme.
Most of us are somewhere along that spectrum.
This is one of many reasons I enjoy offering myself as a teacher – it provides another domain in which to address the ego and attempt to tame it; an ongoing challenge!
And no doubt this is why so many meditation teachers traditionally did not share their experiences – to avoid the ego trap.
But here we are in current times where the need for guidance is high. So pardon me while I attempt to contain the ego, and together we go Out on a Limb once more while I share what I did when faced with my own recent major health challenge; but first
Thought for the Day
To bring peace to my mind and my own experience
There is nothing else.
Just to reduce these negative emotions
And create more kindness and compassion,
Because that is best for me,
That is best for everybody.
It is nothing mysterious,
It is nothing religious,
It is nothing spiritual,
It is just very simple.
Ringu Tulku Rinpoche (now there is an ego-less teacher!)
Another reason for deep reflection before sharing these experiences is that in truth, I did not do all that much when it comes to using particular techniques! This is another part of the reservation in writing about this; we need to observe there may well be differences in what works for someone who has been meditating for almost 50 years, when compared to what might help a rank beginner. Even acknowledging this is another potential ego trap…
As a beginner, techniques are very useful – essential for most. However, as our practice develops, it can become more direct.
As a beginner faced with a crisis, the first thing is to seek some respite and some balance. In my experience, this is best accomplished by concentrating on the feeling in the body as we go through the Progressive Muscle Relaxation. This exercise is easy to learn and simple to practice. It works well when led by the voice of a friend or via an App like Allevi8.
Yet the PMR reliably leads to deep physical relaxation, which then flows on to relax the mind. Deep relaxation of body and mind brings an immediate sense of relief, clears the mind to make good decisions and brings the body and mind into balance; which creates an ideal environment for healing. I have witnessed many people transform a crisis from this starting point. More details are in Blue Sky Mind.
However, speaking personally… recently, following a second bout of COVID, I developed a weird functional bowel obstruction.
This landed me in the Emergency Ward in acute shock.
Then ten days on a drip unable to eat or drink.
A total of 16 days in hospital before released...
Absolutely zero energy, high levels of discomfort; dancing on the edge…
The hospital room view :)
On reflection, what I drew upon most was a long body of study and practice. It felt like the “credit” from years of regular meditation flowed into this acute situation. There was a stability and inner calm despite the extreme circumstances. There was openness, an acknowledgement of what was happening, its potential severity, and yet, almost remarkably, no hope or fear.
Fear we can relate to easily in difficult situations – and we can understand how more than just leaving us feeling miserable, it can obscure us from thinking clearly, and worse, give rise to panic. The danger is of becoming overwhelmed; of freaking out, then making poor decisions that result in bad outcomes for us and for those around us. Worst case scenario – we die leaving a mess behind.
Yet hope too takes us out of current time, out of the moment. Hope actually is another agitated state. While hope is touted as being so important, and it genuinely is for those feeling hopeless, it is an important starting point; hope is the flip side of fear, and both can be problematic.
This is one of the reasons I love sport, for while sport easily reveals itself as a game, hope and fear can easily creep in.
Sport provides a great practice ground in which to be engaged, to be present, yet almost like an impartial observer, free of hope and fear.
Who will win this year’s premiership???
Back to the illness; and accompanying all this, a quiet confidence.
A confidence based on years of experience with the Mind-Body connection.
Knowing that healing comes from balance – and the mind is in balance when free of hope and fear, when it is open, at ease and at peace.
Next - a heightened awareness. Not so much mindfulness – that is where the mind goes out to concentrate on something. Awareness – where, like the impartial observer, we are fully present and allowing whatever is going on around us, to come to us. Open awareness. Awareness takes little to no effort; – which matched my capacity – but also is a powerful practice. Simply be aware. Be present. Leave it as it is, and be aware.
So this is the practice that flowed through the toughness of the experience. Open awareness. Not blocking, not disassociating, not fearing outcome, not hoping for anything in
particular except trusting in the best outcome. A baseline of confidence it would be OK – either I recover or I die, and either would be OK.
But perhaps most importantly, a deeper connection with that all pervasive stillness. That presence some call God, others inner truth, our inner essence, the true nature of our mind; that presence that is beyond words, beyond description yet a presence we can experience in the depth of our meditation. A presence that then comes to pervade all of our life and provides this inner certitude, inner confidence, inner warmth. That direct experience of the all pervasive quality of unconditional love and its expression in this life we live. The real “credit” from years of regular meditation.
Plus a real sense of gratitude for all the staff and facilities that carried me through; and for the love of those around me
– especially Ruth, the friend who made time amidst their own personal busyness to come into the hospital and quietly meditate with me, (I was too exhausted to interact in any “normal” way) and all those who prayed for me and sent well wishes.
Occasionally some focused relaxation in an attempt at relief; and yes some pain medication as I became so physically debilitated and worn down by the obstruction.
I did also regularly invoke spiritual support in a way similar to the White Light guided imagery practice, and had the recognition all of I was going through, me included, is inherently empty and will pass.
And maybe we talk more of the role of positive thinking another time…
Taken in hospital, closer to release time; starting to feel a little better
So… a long post, and not sure how helpful this is. It is not so easy to put into words and maybe it might come across better in a conversation, however, there it is – a shared experience of meditation in a time of crisis; told by one who survived…
What next?!
The good news is, and thanks to all who have cared about me through all this, I am feeling better slowly but steadily and actually woke up feeling comfortable in my body this morning - it has been a while...
Should be fit and well for the meditation retreat in 3 weeks time...
:)
